How A Revolting Cock Landed Me Some Sweet, Sweet Pussy

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By Lauren McAllister

My parents listened to Jim Nabors albums from the day I was born ‘til the time I left home, holding my ears and screaming. I wanted to leave at around five but, alas, I lacked sufficient funds to free myself from “By Request,” “Galveston,” “ Kiss Me Goodbye,” “The Things I Love” and that goddamn, inhuman Christmas album.

My parents weren’t even born ‘til 1980, for Christ sake. What the fuck were they listening to a guy whose career ended in the mid ’70 for? They were obviously demented, tone-deaf psychos and I was lucky to get out of there alive. Sure, the first couple of years out in the real world, by myself, weren’t the unbridled joyfest I’d envisioned. My landlord, Renaldo, was a complete asshole and the rent for his shithole of an apartment was insanely high. I ended up having to give that miserable fuck three blowjobs a week, just so I could afford to eat. And he watched me every single time to make sure I swallowed his vomitous, alien-tasting sludge. Utterly disgusting!

Having to unzip that old, smelly guy’s pants and plop his grey, wrinkled wiener into my mouth taught me a valuable lesson about life, though. Toughened me up. Made me dedicate every spare minute I had to finding a better paying job so I could afford to move out of Hell On Earth Village Apartments. On my moving day, I actually gave him a freebee. I sucked his cock for nothing, just so I wouldn’t forget how sickening it was and to never let me put myself in that position again. I let that weird tasting spunk puddle on my tongue for awhile before I finally let his toxic soup trickle down my throat one last time. And then I punched him in the nuts as hard as I possibly could. Hey, he still got the better of the deal.

Two years and a few boyfriends later, I was parked in a bar, enjoying an end of the day martini and in walks the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I mean knockout. Sensational body, gorgeous hair and a smile that made me sorry I was wearing underwear. You could hear all the testicles in the room switching to “on” as she sat down.

Now, I’d smooched a couple of cheerleaders in high school and indulged in odd drunken girly-grope in college but I’d never even considered having a relationship, or even a one night stand, with another woman but there was just something about this gal’s hair and eyes that had me seriously reconsidering my orientation. Besides, what did I have to worry about? The chances of her actually saying yes to any lewd and inappropriate request I made were infinitesimally minute. I knew if I tarried much longer, she’d be lost behind an impenetrable wall of carnal cowboys. So, I decided to worry about my highly unlikely success if it happened. A couple of sips of my Singapore Sling and I headed over to take my shot.

“Hi,” I smiled. “Can I buy you a drink?”

“That’s really sweet, but you’d be wasting your money. I’m straight,” she smiled back.

“I’m straight too! But, I gotta say, you are really, really cute.”

“I appreciate it, I do but…”

“Don’t but me, please. Let me waste my money and get to know you a little.”

After a small, really cute pause, she nodded her head and I was in with a chance! I put a twenty on the bar, ordered up a couple of lubricious libations and started to work on my woo. 

“So, I have literally no experience at trying to pick up a chick? Do you have any tips? Should I brag about the size of my dick?”

She laughed. Another point in my favor!

That seemed to open the conversation spigot. And she was sooo easy to talk to. Not to mention easy to look at. The more we talked, the more I liked her. And then she bought me a drink!

At some point I decided to show my cards. “So, what are the chances of getting you to go home with me? Or, a second date. I’d love to see you again – sex or no sex.  But… you know… obviously… ah, sex would be preferred.”

Becky, oh I probably haven’t told you her name yet, I’m just so wrapped up in this story and trying not to diddle myself, but that’s her name. Rebecca, Becky, whatever. So, she gave me this suspicious once over and says, “Come one, you’re queer. Admit it.”

“Girlfriend, I guarantee, you would be popping my bi-curious cherry if a yes were to escape those luscious lips of yours. I have no idea how sex even works without a penis involved but, for you, I’m prepared to make an absolute fool of myself in bed. Or a second date. Did I mention I’d settle for a second date?”

“I believe that came up and I’ll admit, I was beginning to be tempted but I’m pretty disappointed that you can’t be honest with me. It’s a bit of a turn of.”

“I am being completely honest. Tell me what I can do to prove my heterosexual bona-fides.”

“Prove you’re not gay? How would you do that?”

I looked around the bar. “I tell you what, you pick out a guy. Any guy. And I will suck his cock in front of you.”

“Huh?”

“Even if I’m not straight – which I most definitely am – I’m willing to suck unknown cock for you. That’s got to be worth something, doesn’t it?”

Rebecca looked around the room. There were some pretty unsavory fellows present. “You’re bluffing.”

“Try me. But we have to have a deal. I suck cock and you come home with me.”

“You are the weirdest person I have ever met.”

“That may not be a bad thing.”

“Okay, I’m going to take your ludicrous bet, but you are not going to go through with it.”

I could tell she was looking for the most repugnant penis owner in the establishment. But there was one thing she didn’t know. My secret weapon. I’d sucked the most disgusting dick imaginable, three times a week for over two years. This was going to be a piece of cake. Or a penis of cake, if you’re partial to a little wordplay.

“Him!” she pointed.

Not bad. Old, overweight, pack of smokes in his breast pocket and sweat large sweat patches on his shirt.

“And you have to swallow.”

“Swallow?” I tried to sound like it would be tough, so I didn’t come across as some sort of barroom skank, but after Renaldo? Whatever the spew that guy was packin’ inside his ballsack was going to taste like strawberry preserves.

It took about two-and-a-half seconds for me to convince Mr. Charming to follow me out in the alley so I could give him a hummer beside the dumpster. I could see that Becky was absolutely fascinated by the whole procedure. Amazed even.

I was about to surprise her even more. This wasn’t going to be a “put a little spit on the end of his knob and jack him off as quickly as possible” job. He was going to get the royal treatment. I got down on my knees and undid his belt and fly. Yes, his underwear was a little rank after a night of heavy drinking but I’d had worse. I took the cock gently out of his stained jockeys and cradled it in my hand. Here I was trying to be seductive and the fucker lit a cigarette to kill the time before I started sucking!

I took him into my mouth and gazed up at Becky. This was excellent! I could see she was starting to feel more than a little guilty. Bozo had already had an unfortunate amount to drink so it required a massive amount of tongue work on the head of his penis and tickling of balls before there was any noticeable blood flow to my region of interest. Suddenly a hand cupped the back of my head and slammed my face into his pubic bone. I almost chocked as the end of his dick piled into my epiglottis but managed to pull back just enough to avoid gagging like a hairball-infested cat.

Now that he was somewhat aroused, it was go for broke time. I slipped a couple of fingers up his hairy, sweaty ass-crack and hoped to not to come across any foreign objects on my travels. At least my ardent oral efforts had convinced him put down his Marlboro by this point. I began to hear a few faint moans as I continued to slide my lips up and down his vein-filled shaft. Poor Rebecca could hardly bear to look. I think she was actually wincing as I drove my head down again and again, taking his entire cock into my mouth, right up to the hilt.

At some juncture, Loverboy reached over and grabbed her right tit with his grimy paw. I know she was absolutely mortified but let him keep it there for fear that, if she slapped it away, if would break his concentration and I’d be down on my knees sucking until the bar closed.

Finally, finally, finally his breathing started to pick up and I knew he was on the path. A few more minutes of enthusiastic knob slobbering and he was about to pop. Dumpster Dan was still kneading Becky’s jigglin’ jugs as a last pelvic thrust bounced the head of his wang off the room of my mouth and the cum started to ooze out of him and coat my tongue. There wasn’t a ton of it but what it lacked in quantity, it sure made up for in flavor. What had this guy been eating??

When he finally released the fistfuls of hair he was holding hostage, I stood up, opened my mouth and showed Becky the pool of man splooge within. She was just about to tell me that I didn’t have to… too late. I swallowed the motherfucker. A deal’s a deal and I wanted her feeling as guilty as hell.

Mr. Goodbar didn’t even say thank you. He just re-lit the remains of his cigarette and staggered back inside.

“You don’t have to kiss me until I’ve brushed my teeth,” I smiled at her. “But I think I’ve earned a little smooch. Don’t you?”

A second later, she swallowed me up in a big soul kiss and then pulled her tongue straight back out.

“Ewww! We’re going to have get you some serious mouthwash too. What had he been eating?”

“That’s exactly what I wondered,” I laughed.

Ten minutes later, we were back at my place. I quickly and nervously showered, brushed my teeth, flossed and then hurried off to claim my prize. As I walked into the living room, I was dazzled. She was so fucking beautiful and she was all mine, mine, mine! Ooops! I almost started to diddle myself again. Back to our story. A serious case of the tingles swept over my entire body. My vagina was practically jumping up and down for joy.  

“Hey cute straight girl,” she smiled.

I just stood there gazing at her. Weirdly, I didn’t want to start having sex with her because I didn’t want to eventually end. I made sure to savor every moment as I slowly walked towards her and took her dreamy waist in my arms. And that first real kiss! Oh my god, those lips were enchanted. I sucked on her tongue as her fingers softly touched my cheek. I like men but holy fucking hell, this was some whole other planet of amazing.

We didn’t tear each other’s clothes off or greedily grab handfuls of cunt. This was soft and slow and as dreamy as a beam of sunshine on a rainy day. It was fairy-tale sex. I half expected birds and butterflies to float out of her vagina. Just the feel of her skin had my heart beating like Keith Moon on crank.

My hand drifted down to caressed her perfect ass but Becky pulled away from me with a smile, “So, do you have some kind of a bedroom near here, sweet face?”

I tried not to melt into a big love puddle as I took her hand in mine and led her to my boudoir. I was just about to toss the three outfits I almost wore off the bed when she pulled on my hand.

“Close those beautiful eyes,” she whispered in my ear.

I so didn’t want to stop looking at her but I did as she said. Becks got down on her knees and unzipped my jeans. I felt the backs of her fingers slide down my upper thighs as she lowered my Vera Modas to my ankles. And then, ladies and gentlemen, Rebecca proceeded to give me head that felt like she’d just re-invented it. Her tongue slithered and poked and stroked every last molecule of my lap cookie. She bathed my clitoris with warm, wet lick love. Becky played my swollen labia like an angel plucking a harp. When she penetrated my honey-hole, I almost leaped into the apartment above me. Yes! Yes! Yes! This ravishing, intoxicating creature was inside me. I could feel her nose on my pubic bone as she gloriously tongue fucked my yum cave. Vast streams of concupiscent candy were rippling through my body like the waters of Rivendell. Holy motherfucking Jesus. Before I knew what was happening, my knees buckled and I was climaxing all over Becky’s face. And I’m talking the full squirt, here folks. Baby’s num nectar was spraying everywhere and I was absolutely helpless to stop it. And she couldn’t even escape the liquid barrage because my orgasmic, shaking legs were pressed so tightly against the sides of her skull. I was afraid I was going to drown the poor girl and yet still I kept on cumming.

When I finally finished my shameless, frenzied head humping, her hair was a mess and her dress was completely soaked.

“You should have warned me,” she chuckled. “I would have brought my umbrella.”

“I am so sorry. That happens once out of every hundred times but I can tell it’s going to happen every time with you.”
I grabbed her hand and dragged her into the bathtub. There, we had the sexiest, most sex-filled shower in the history of womankind.  

After we’d had another 4 or 5 deafening orgasms each, and I’d drained my entire apartment complex of hot water, I popped the big question.

“Will you please stay the night?” I puppy-dogged eyed her.

“Oh, absolutely, and I know exactly what I want for breakfast,” she grinned, giving my tender twat an affectionate squeeze.

It’s been six months now, and Becky still hasn’t left. I’m head over heels for this girl or should I say heels over head, because that’s where mine are situated most nights. For a straight girl who was worried I was gay, Rebecca sure loves to lick me cross-eyed.

I intend to send Renaldo a Christmas card and a little gift hamper for holidays. I really owe him one. Because, if it wasn’t for his sour cock, I never would have found the sweetest pussy this side of heaven.

The End

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A young college student cuts class to wash the matted mess on top of her head. When he enters a co-ed shower though, she encounters a young geeky student playing with his head. Don’t worry, she more than makes it up to him for his embarrassment.

Copyright Lauren McAllister 2022

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